So you want a Turkish wife!

(From an article that I wrote for the wonderful Antalya Central web pages. Pay a visit http://www.antalyacentral.com/ )

Now, some of you reading this, you have come here to find out a little bit more of this wonderful country, or maybe you have met a beautiful Turkish girl, fallen deeply in love and are tempted to pack up life in the UK or where ever and starting a new live in the sun with your new Ebru or Arzu or whoever! 

 Now, I have been happily married now for eleven years to a wonderful Turkish woman, and happy now as the moment we first met. However, with experience I have realised that there are certain don'ts that you must never do or say to continue with a happy married life with a Turkish wife. Things that I feel as an expat , who has done his time; should share with you to help you with your Turkish spouse.

 1. DON’T WEAR SHOES IN THE HOME! 

 Now, coming from UK, we slip on our most comfortable shoes in the morning, go to work and more likely then not are still wearing them by the time we sleep. In your new home with your new Turkish wife DON’T!. Me and my wife when newly married, one day decided to go to the beach, locking the door, while slipping on my beach shoes, I suddenly remembered I had forgotten my phone, without a second’s thought, I opened the door and walked into the lounge, fully shod!. Big mistake – I was met with a steally stare that could not have been worse if I had actually emptied my bowls all over the carpet!. No problem I thought, “sorry” i expressed. It was too late! Out came the hoover, and the Turkish equivalent of shake-n-vac as she attempted to put the freshness back into her now contaminated carpet. I stood by the door open jawed as the mop and bucket came out to wash the tiles where the carpet did not cover!. Now fully cheesed off, at wasting valuable beach oggling time , I said “ Come on for Christ sake this is absurd”. She replied “ think when you go out, you tread in dog urine and where dirty men spit on the floor”. Which cheesed me of even more because I could not think of a counter reply to that!!. This shoe “faux par” can only be beaten when visiting your wife’s friends and you forget to take of your shoes – if you make that mistake, then be prepared to have your marriage visa revoked forthwith!!

 2. DON’T LAUGH!

 Of course there will be a clash of cultures and a clash of ideas about life. However don’t laugh when your new wife proclaims sentences, that to you seem so so incredible that you actually have to ask her to repeat it, to ensure that you heard straight. “The first time she said to me “ You must eat tomatoes they give you blood”, I let out such a roar of laughter which was only succumbed when I saw that she was deadly serious! According to your Turkish wife “ Tomatoes do give you blood, without cucumber in your diet you can go blind at an early age” and if you go outside with wet hair at any stage of the year “, and I include the height of summer here “ you will go down with flu that will lay you up in bed for so long you will need to be surgically removed from it. Wo betide you if you ever buy and eat food from a street seller or cheap kebab place. According to my wife this will lay you down with such an illness, that is so intense that it is akin to having red hot mercury intravenously inserted into your scrotum!* 

 3. DON’T QUESTION 

 Now, as any foreign guy that is married to a Turkish woman will testify that cleaning is not so much as a chore as an obsession!. Don’t question her when she decides to clean the bottom of the fridge..yes the BOTTOM!. Don’t question her when she lifts up the sofa and vacuums underneath. I am not talking about vacuuming the floor underneath…I mean the actual underneath of the sofa. Such is this OCD (obsesive cleaning disorder), that it must be, without doubt a genetic trait passed to all Turkish females!.

 When she starts to clean you have only one choice here. …Get out of the home straightaway. It is the only way my friend and come back four days later when she is just finishing. Failure to get out of the home while she behaves like a whirling devil on speed will mean you are blamed for every single spec of dust and coffee smear, and the comment “ This home has never been clean since you walked into the lounge with your beach shoes on”!! And for Christ sake never under any circumstance take any item of fruit from your refrigerator and insert it into your mouth without first cleaning it, and washing it, ..in fact to be complete safe ..take it for a shower before eating. !. Again failure to do so will ultimately result in your stomach being subjected to every pesticide known to man. Well, known to a Turkish woman. 

 Stand and be amazed as your Turkish wife takes an apple from the fridge runs it under the tap and scrubs it with such vigour as she would her new born baby after falling down the apartment cess pit…….then peels the bloody thing!....Never question my friend, never question… just shake your head and accept that you have married the human equivalent of dynorod!

 4 DON’T USE PERIPHERAL VISION 

Jealousy, oh that green eyed monster! Accept that when you marry your Turkish wife, when in her company, that peripheral vision is not an option. Any female that still has the ability to walk ten paces without the use of a walking frame is considered a threat to your good Turkish woman. Be careful though, she is a canny operator. Once on meeting a very stunning friend of my wife’s I was asked “ Did you think Zuhal is beautiful” “Yes very” was my simple and honest reply. I was not spoken to for a week!!. Strangely also her friend has never been invited back to our home!. When asked the question “ is so and so beautiful” reply “ Who is so and so..I never noticed her”….lying is your only option my friend!. When at the beach with your wife, the traditional method is a sleeping tablet slyly dropped into her breakfast tea this usually has the desired affect!

Never buy her chocolates, flowers or any romantic gift, to a Turkish woman, unless it is her birthday or Valentines day, this is an admittance to guilt. Your romantic gesture will re-payed with a hundred questions to what you did and who you chatted to today. You will then find your normally meek and mild mannered wife, has all the questioning techniques of Guantanamo Bay’s finest !. In fact, when she is out check for any orange suits she may have hidden away!

 5. DON’T SMIRK 

 There are happy times of course there are!! One day you will come home and your good lady will announce “ askım i am going to go to İstanbul for a week to see my sister”. Play a straight bat here!. Nice and easy my son, nice and cool, take a deep breath and curtail that smirk that is starting to curl from the corners of your mouth. Then proclaim “ Oh No – what the hell am i going to do for a week without you”. Before she replies turn around head for the kitchen and rub an onion in your eye for added saddened shock effect. ( a red peppar works just as well, however it does have a tendency to overdo it). “of course I will miss you”…then comes your trump card “ MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MUM WITH YOU…..I WILL PAY FOR HER FLIGHT”. This sentence is accepted with such overwhelming gratitude that for the rest of the evening you are King!. While all the time checking that your ISP connection is fully paid up for the week she is away and stalking the websites of Turkish supermarkets for the best booze prices!

This gets you extra kudos for you from your poor Father-in-law of course as on your wonderful suggestion his wife is whisked away for the week, and he is spared OCD behaviour ! Never though, I repeat NEVER suggest she takes her other sister with her, this will only result for that week your Brother-in-Law comes around your home every five minutes to check up on you and to watch Lig TV and drink your beer.!! However, when she is away be prepared for her to ring you more times then Jessica Alba conducting a free x-rated chat line!  

6. DON’T MENTION 

There are certain topics that are best stayed well clear from. These can range from the innocuous such as”tea with milk” to the problematic subjects such as a certain country that borders beginning with A and sounds like Amonia! Failure to not agree with her on any of these subjects is tantamount to house treason. This non-agreement with her on any of the “touchy” subjects will result in you being marched to the nearest airport and on the next “Tommy Cook” plane out of the promised land! . Before you know it, you are sat in some arrival hall in Cardiff or some other Godforsaken outpost wondering “ what the hell did i say”? To quote a certain Mr Fawlty…”Don’t mention A****a, I mentioned it once , and think I got away with it”

 7. DON’T PUT OF JOBS AROUND THE HOUSE 

Any time your Turkish wife suggest you do something around the home, do it straightaway. Now, admittedly this can be aimed at every woman in the world. However, with your new Turkish wife, there comes a design fault. The ability in her brain to believe she can do any household job. I was once asked to put up a rather large painting in the bedroom. “Yes sure, I will do that tomorrow”. While thinking 16ml drill bit and raw plug.

My refusal to undertake the job in hand immediately was met with banging so loud it seemed the SAS were practising operations on my door. Running to my bedroom to see what the hell was happening, I was met with a vision with a hammer in hand, proudly standing back to look at her handiwork, which in this instance was a 6 inch nail protruding 45 degrees from the wall!. The fact that her handiwork had created a 3 inch crack down the wall obviously bypassed her as she took the painting and gently placed it on the nail!. To give her credit though it lasted, YEP it lasted for 5 minutes until it fell down taking the plaster work with it.

Bless her huh!. The phrase “no job too tough” was a invented by Turkish woman. Don’t allow them to change plugs, in fact changing a plug becomes alien to them as they just stick the bare wires into the socket to dry their hair! Be afraid my friend..be very afraid! However, stay with these DON’TS and you will survive, of course I have only touched the tip of the ice burg some others like don’t attempt to make Turkish tea or coffee, go without question. 

 Good Luck!

 * This can come in very useful when hungover, which seems to be alien to Turkish woman. When waking with a hangover, proclaim to her that you ate kebab from a street seller. OK you will get an ear bashing for a few minutes about your stupidity not to follow her advice. However, you will be sent back to bed and be served hot tea whenever you ask!