One love -Two Cultures!

Not so long ago, I had the good fortune to read the biography of Malcolm X. A man some would say was a advocate of human rights and others would say was proven violent supremacist. Not my place in these pages to give my view! Within the pages lay a quote that obviously was so profound to me that I made a  point of highlighting.

 “I believe in recognising every human being as a human being--neither white, black, brown, or red; and when you are dealing with humanity as a family there's no question of integration or intermarriage. It's just one human marrying another human being or one human being living around and with another human being.”

It was roundabout the time I was reading it, that my wife and I were celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. Ten, mostly very happy years. With me being English and her being Turkish,we are of course involved in what is pigeon holed as an "intermarriage". It's a word I generally do not affirm to, as it suggest that we are different, when in fact as Malcolm X, rightly pointed out, we are in fact just two human beings! Intermarriage, also for me seems to have overtones of marrying of someone better or lesser value than you - such as in the caste system in parts of Asia. Also a word that seems out of place in today's global society. My preference is cross-cultural marriage or relationship!.

In terms of the relationships themselves, how does a cross-cultural relationship work?. A question almost impossible to answer as we are all individually unique, with our own ideas, our own personalities and our own expectations. The question suggest that there lays some type of conflict within the relationship. The reality is that is the same as a normal kinship relationship. In both cases, just two opposing sides coming together with one common aim, that aim being to love and accept love. It does however beg the question does love transcend the cultural differences?. In my personal experience yes it  does mostly definitely .There are those those I am sure, that have experienced a more destructive cultural relationship who would answer in the negative. Sometimes the very differences that attract the couple together are then the differences that can cause conflict!

In Turkey, the number of cross-cultural relations grow year on year. According to the Turkish Governmental statistics there were over 200,000 Turkish nationals married to foreign citizens in 2011. Not including those foreign citizens who had taken up Turkish citizenship after marriage. Now, if one is to believe the foreign press, especially the British press, that is 200,000 men and woman having their back accounts emptied, being beaten senseless on a regular bases or a Turkish spouse ready to pounce on the passport opportunity and then later never to be seen again!. It, of course completely dismisses the notion that anyone could be contented and happy in a relationship not within it's borders.

As I said previously, we now dwell in a global society, one where technology, transportation and science has enabled us to expose our souls and our hearts to like minded individuals around the globe. A world, where thoughts are instantly given, our horizons are widened, new ideas are formed within us and new life dreams are played out. Internationalized love has well and truly been opened! Those dynamics have come together to increase the rise in international relationships and none more so then the Turkish/Foreign example.

As much as the relationship is easy to find though, many have found it much more difficult to conserve. As much as we are all varied and each individual relationship is unique there is one near common ground that every relationship negatively starts. That is the imbalance of culture. By definition, a cross-cultural relationship has to start of with one of the participants neglected of his or her cultural surroundings. For some this imbalance can be too much to grasp and the reality that your life will never be the same again ends up with an early visit to the divorce lawyers. 

Speaking from my own personal experience the first year of my marriage was by far the most difficult. Feeling devoid of "my own"; it neutered a strong sense of solitude even though I was exceedingly happy with my new bride. As I look back at that time though, I now realize how incredibly astute my wife played those times. Instead of suffocating immediately into Turkish culture, she drip fed it to me. She encouraged me to have English friends, took me to English book shops, made a point to begin with of only watching English programs. Then over the sands of time very slowly fitted Turkish culture into me like a thousand piece jigsaw.  It made a slow progress but one that I now fully appreciate how and what she achieved in and for me. Her patience and guidance is something that made me love her even more, and made my assimilation  into Turkish life and culture as natural as growing up. 

For those that survive the early "lonely" days, then one positive aspect of a cultural relationship is the self educational one.   Being in a cultural relationship forces you to examine and define your own values towards new ideas and prejudices. Your spouse, may have the same kind heart as you, nonetheless her experience of life has been contrastive. Through these contrasting experiences you see life from their eyes. Maybe sometimes reversing your former ideas that were once before set in stone, and sometimes not. The same happens in reverse of course, my wife's thought process over certain aspects of Turkish culture has changed by my own influential viewpoint. In kind, she has made me revalue and re-evaluate my own culture!

Ten years down the line though, I sit and realise just as much as we had cultural differences we also shared so much common ground. Little did I realise growing up in a small Somerset village in England that in a small village in the North of Turkey was a girl that shared the same dreams and purpose as me. Amazingly, we were once talking about literature and I happened to mention the first book I ever read was Ian Serraillier's "The Silver Sword". Without a word she went into her "momento basket", something it seems all Turkish woman have. One minute later, she showed me a Turkish copy of the same book!. She still is the only other person I have ever met who has read it! 

This week saw the remembrance In Turkey of those that gave their lives in the Battle of Dardenelles in Canakkele. A battle that saw Turkey and Britain in a ruthless and pointless war and a colossal waste of life on both sides.  Maybe those soldiers lives were not so much in vain though. Without their sacrifices, maybe myself and many others would not be happily living in this beautiful country and married to wonderful spouses!. We owe them a lot really!

Westy